As my Christmas holiday comes to a close, I can't help but feel sad.
Its been so nice to destress and let go.

We have been away at the beach, which is my favourite place on earth.

I am under review at work.  At this moment, I'm not worried about it.
We haven't started building, so there is no stress on that front either. 

What will be, will be.

Finances

Sometimes life throws you a shit ball.

Financially we have been fucked for a few months.  We have been scraping the bottom of that barrel for some time.
There is a light at the end of the tunnel but man, getting down that tunnels a bitch.

We still have each other.  Despite breaking down cars, mega power bills, blah.

He said...

I feel like this is a bad sign.  It concerns me.  He said I am disppointed in him.  He said he can tell by the way I look at him.

It cant be good that he feels that way?  Is it the depression, is it the mad rush our lives seem to be at the moment, or is it the start of something momentous?

I am fairly certain Im not disappointed in him.  Not in the broad sense anyway.  Sometimes i might be a little disappointed that he didnt put dinner on when I am late home, or if he forgot something important.  But thats all normal shit right?

Not this soul crushing "you are so disappointed with me".  I'm not.  I love him.  He is a good man and a wonderful father.  Such a wonderful father that I doubt my abilities as a mother.  I know he can do it all and I have severe doubts that I could do half of it alone.

We are a bit apart at the moment.  Always tired, always up too late doing dishes and lunches and washing and drying.  I am a zombie most nights and am asleep before I hit the pillow.  Seems like we have someone coming over or a task to do all the time.  Be nice to just sit and drink a cup of tea together.  Connect again.

We used to drive around in the car, talking, listening to music, singing.  We would park up somewhere pretty and get stoned.  We would sit around the living room chatting about random things.  Friends visited, laughed.  We laughed.  Then we grew up.

I need to connect again.  Not with Bubble Guppies on Nick Jnr behind me, and a child in the highchair pouring juice over her uneaten broccoli.  Without the pressure of a mile high pile of laundry to put away that I rummage through every morning to find a pair of pants.
Fuck the dishes.  Lets stay in love.

Appraisal

Ach.  Tomorrow is my performance appraisal at work.  Ugh.
I hate these things.  I hope my boss has more insight into what I do than I think he does.
I just get the impression he has no idea
If I or one of my colleagues complains about or capacity and workload, we findustry he tells us it is our own fault.  It's our inability to say no.  It's our lack of prioritization, it's the fact we can't negotiate time frames.

It's bollocks.  Well maybe some of it is true, but some of it is our workload and our capacity.

Wish me luck.

Update:  i exceed expectations!  I need to verbally articulate my thoughts more in meetings and grow as a leader, but i EXCEED expectations.  Blow me down.
So happy!

Boom!

Life has obviously been busy?
I went fishing and caught a cold.  I wish I had a photo of the amazing, awesome, hammerhead shark that paid us a visit and did laps around the boat.  Huge fish.  So glad I was in the boat and not outside it!

So my annual leave week has been mainly spent in a snot filled, clogged head haze.  Such a shame.

Yesterday I felt a bit better so I managed to complete one of my aims.  I cooked and froze about 8 meals for the busy weeks ahead.  I find dinner time stressful.
Trying to always make healthy choices and include veggies my child will actually eat.  Most of our meals are not pinterest worthy.  Nutritious and often delicious, but not always beautiful and sometimes very simple.  Sometimes even frozen pizza or chicken nuggets.

On the house front we are awaiting engineers reports.  Such a boring time, but once we get these we can move forwards.  I hope.

I am emotional.  I feel sad that one of my child's favourite teachers is leaving her daycare.
I don't want her to miss people, or feel that pain.   It makes me tear up.  It's stupid, yet I don't want the world to crush her beautiful hopeful spirit.

I know one day it will.

Employable

He got a job!!!  Doesn't start til the new year, but hey!  It's awesome.

Rollercoaster we ride

The boy has no job.  it's coming up to ChrimBo and we will be in dire straits.
He has a job prospect, but I don't see them hiring this side of Christmas.

So life is on hold for now.

We have both been made redundant at various times in the past.  it is a bad feeling, and I don't want him to fall into a bad head space.  I am not pushing at the moment.

He will be working for his cousin a couple of days a week and he will be applying for more jobs.  currently eggs are in one basket.  admittedly said basket looks like prospects are good, but you can't consider yourself hired until you have signed on the dotted line.

Still what is the point in stressing?  let's just tighten our belts  (need to do that literally too ) and enjoy a more frugal kind of Christmas.
Argh!!