rrrrambles

My mother is coming. In nine days. I'm looking forward to it, but I'm also very aprehensive.
I know her time here will come to an end, and when it does it kills me, everytime.
It rips my insides out all over again, and I don't know how many times I can deal with it.
It's my baggage. And whenever I see her, she pulls that bag out and opens it up, and I realise I like the stuff in there, but when she goes I'm forced to put it all away in the bag again and I don't get to play with it anymore. I'm like a child. I'm a child with issues.

I have the most inconsequential conversations with people, and inside I'm dying to bring up something controversial, something to shock. I stand there, not really knowing what to say, making polite small talk, and thinking to myself, is this what my brain is for? And that's when I realise, I need to do something with my brain. I need to let it out, now that it's on top form again. Well, it's nearly totally back, I think some memories are lost forever. I just want a real conversation, I want to talk to someone about something that means something. I don't talk to anyone about anything. It's driving me insane.
It's all he said she said, "what was your weekend like?"
"oh well, i pottered around the garden, then I made myself some tea. iced tea. it was very nice. what did you do?"
This is when I want to scream and I end up saying "oh not a lot really, I went to the cinema (that's what we call it here) and saw Take the Lead, you know, the one about dancing with Antonio Banderas?"
And I think everytime I have this conversation, a little part of my spirit inside dies. A painful, withering death.

I was going to write about something completely different today. I don't remember so I chose to ramble. Here's me saying my brains back, and I still forget things. Concentration is really the big issue for me. I don't have it. It's gone.

All I know.

Infinite patience achieves instant results! How can this be true? It is - but you'll need to meditate on it to see it! When you do, and you can see it, you will have walked through the gates of paradox and rediscovered truth. Repeat after me...infinite patience achieves instant results.

Listen as your day unfolds.

I just want to scream.

I read a book the other day, it was about a lady whose husband dies and a girl who burns herself. The lady asks her to stop burning herself and she does. No, she didn't usually burn herself, she cut herself. She burnt herself real bad at one point in the book.

I need something. A cigarette maybe, work is over soon and I will go and wait for ym bus and enjoy a b&h silver.
I need a man.
I need a lot of things. A lot of things.
A part time job for more money, a man, a cigarette, new clothes, new shoes, make up, jewellery, friends, a career, and the list goes on. Wants and needs, what is the difference really? Most needs are really wants, they're just wants you don't want to live without.

Argh.
I'm boring myself.